Holidays Schmolidays
My family is the type that likes to plan. Every time there is a family get-together, it requires a lot of thought and you must do it far in advance.
This year’s holiday planning is freaking stressing me out. It is not even Halloween.
I know, I know! Everybody has stressful holidays. (Who said that you have to love your family, not to like them? haha)
In my case, the problem is not that we don’t want to be with people. Actually, we want to be in three places at the same time.
Casey’s holiday situation is already complicated because he has divorced parents and it is difficult to keep them both content as it is… Everything has to be even or else someone feels hurt. Also, one of his sisters started college this year (out of New Hampshire!!! Go Haley!) so he feels that it is important to be there so that he can spend time with her during the holidays.
Then on my side, my family lost Aunt Beth last March, with whom we usually spend every holiday… which will make this year’s celebrations a bit difficult for everyone, especially my father, since it is the first season since she passed.
Also, my family is very small- it is just my mom, dad, brother and me. So if someone is not there, it wouldn’t really feel like a holiday… it would just be a sad little affair.
If our families were actually within driving distance, we could somehow do it all (although be very exhausted at the end of it). Unfortunately, my family is in New Jersey and Casey’s in New Hampshire- about a 6 hour drive each way. If we had a lot of money, we could fly back and forth but that doesn’t seem feasible either.
Every other year (we have been together for almost 8 years), we have separated for the holidays, both Thanksgiving and Christmas… feeling like we would rather miss each other than make people mad. That is not really an option this year- we are married now and want to be together and share the holidays with our families.
I am not really looking for a solution… I know what we need to do. Choose for this year and then do the opposite next year. We cannot make everyone happy all the time, I know that.
It just sucks. I hate disappointing the people we love. Ack, how am I going to respond to the emails asking us what we are doing?
Maybe I should just get pregnant and we can stay where we are and everyone will just come to us. 
Just kidding!! Christopher!
October 27th, 2005 at 1:12 am
I feel your pain - seriously! Except instead of a six-hour drive, our families are separated by hemispheres and hours and hours of expensive travel. We’ve come to terms with it (to a certain degree) and it is the life we chose after all. I try and focus on the fact that we are our OWN family unit now and us being together is most important. I miss my family terribly but I’m the lucky one this year as we are going to Australia for the holidays. Maybe I should get pregnant too??!! Just kidding!
October 27th, 2005 at 4:32 am
We know this problem…and YEP, there is no easy solution!
SOOOO…I’m going to comment on knitting instead! I am dying to learn how to knit socks, and I LOVE that yarn! The Christmas book looks like fun, I’ll check it out the next time I go to B&N.
I just posted a pic. of a tank I made….I googled the name of the book I was using, and was very surprised to find a PATTERN CORRECTIONS page for about 5 patterns in that book!! (THANK GOD not the tank, BUT a sweater I was thinking of knitting!) Can you imagine? I was wondering if maybe your yarn shortage was due to a misprint?? For now on, I’m googling the book title before I start a project!!
October 27th, 2005 at 7:26 am
I know how you feel! Our families are separated by about 4 1/2 hours, which makes it super hard to fit both in. Usually we do one actual holiday (Turkey Day and Christmas) at each families house, and then the weekend after or so at the others, rotating.
This year is more complicated for us, too, since we will be moving the weekend before Thanksgiving.
It is so hard choosing, and it make you feel like you are letting them down big time. I miss being a little kid sometimes, since you didn’t have to think about things like this
October 27th, 2005 at 8:22 am
I don’t know if this helps or not but Jason and have always done T-day with his family and Christmas with mine. I am glad however that you two will stay together for the holidays.
October 27th, 2005 at 8:40 am
We do the same as the other Kate - turkeyday with Tim’s half, Cmas with my half. Usually, Tim’s parents and assorted other family would fly out to us, but health problems are keeping them grounded. I decided I wasn’t up for flying all the way to CA for Thanksgiving, so we’ll split and I’ll stay here and watch the dogs, and we’ll hopefully get out to his family together for Easter or something. My sister’s coming to visit, though, so that’ll be fun.
October 27th, 2005 at 8:44 am
Clearly, you are not alone in this.
Doesn’t make it easier, I know, but…
I am not even married but have divorced parents - and I try to switch Thanksgiving and Christmas so that I am seeing them both during the holidays but also not travelling like a crazy person. This came after one Christmas of 6 plane trips, 3 layovers, one lost suitcase and the realization that I was NOT having fun. I would really sit down and think about what you and Casey want…
October 27th, 2005 at 8:55 am
This is how we ended up being responsible for Thanksgiving! I hated that we separated every Thanksgiving so now we host it. But it’s a little easier b/c his parents are together and so are mine, so they’re willing to all spend time together.
But anyway - I think that being married is great because it gives you some kind of feeling of justification when it comes to stuff like that. You are a family now, so you shouldn’t have to separate.
Hope it all works out!
October 27th, 2005 at 9:02 am
Golly, I don’t have any good suggestions. But I’m sure you will work something out. Sometimes the really grown-ups have to accept things like grown-ups. Good luck!
October 27th, 2005 at 9:05 am
Welcome to one of the few non-joys of married life! When Hub and I got married, we decided not to do the separate holidays thing anymore, too, and our holidays became much more complicated.
We tried doing T-giving at one place and Xmas at the other and alternating years, but his mom just didn’t get it (she thinks she should get every holiday). Then we tried to do it all, and got totally burned out. For a couple years we lived halfway across the country, and didn’t come home for the holidays and it was bliss. Then we moved back, and the chaos and stress came back.
If you haven’t done it yet, look into buying a house — that seems to have solved it for us this year. All of a sudden we have family volunteering us to host Thanksgiving AND Xmas Eve. I’m hoping that the hosting stress will be offset by not having to drive hundreds of miles in a 2-day stretch (without leaving the extended DFW metroplex)
October 27th, 2005 at 9:19 am
Ugh, as if the holiday’s weren’t stressful enough.
Even though we’ve been married for two years, my husband and I spend Thanksgiving apart. Know what? It works fine for us. On Christmas we are together but not Thanksgiving. I’m not willing to give up my T-giving family traditions [we have a big party - about 20 friends and fam come for dinner]. Both of us are fine with it so we stick to it. Too bad your families are so far away!
October 27th, 2005 at 9:41 am
As others have said, I feel your pain! My parents are divorced and live in Tennessee and Arkansas, while my husband’s parents are together and live in Texas. Holidays are crazy but they have gotten a bit more manageable as I have come to terms with the fact that I can’t always make people happy. Our families have also been great about “moving” holidays. For example, my mom, sister and I did Christmas after December 25th last year. They just went on about their business on the 25th and we had our big celebration after that when we were able to be together. There are lots of ways to be together, even if it’s not on THE date of the holiday. Not to get sappy, but holidays are about family to me, after all, so the holiday is whenever we are together.
Good luck figuring it all out!
October 27th, 2005 at 10:13 am
I count my lucky stars that mine and my husband’s parents live only 20-30 minutes away (and none are divorced). Every Thanksgiving and Christmas we have lunch with his family and dinner with mine. Granted we are more stuffed than a turkey at the end of the day…
I really hope it all works out. I’m like you and don’t want any hurt feelings! ARGH!
October 27th, 2005 at 10:19 am
Our situation isn’t terrible, but we have started planning for it. My family expects us to gather for both Christmas Eve and Christmas Morning, then a trip to DH’s grandmother’s for his dad’s side of the family (followed by MIL’s gathering a couple of days later). It’s just too much, so we’re telling my family that it’s one or the other, but not both.
My SIL has to have Thanksgiving w/ her family, so if we want T-giving for our family, it’s either on another day, or with her fam. There’s only so much I can take of these people. So some planning has to be done there too. Can we just say no? Thinking about it.
October 27th, 2005 at 10:29 am
Have you thought of tryign to get everyone to come to YOU? Or to one place? I know it’s difficult, but you can’t make yourself crazy trying to please everyone. That’s no way to enjoy the holiday. Hope you come up w/a solution.
October 27th, 2005 at 10:42 am
Very funny. I’m almost positive I didn’t get you pregnant.
October 27th, 2005 at 11:06 am
I was wondering when the P word would show up! It is a great way to distract everyone and it may even bring everyone to you (or at least together–babies are good for that). I can empathize with the agony of picking. There is no good way to do this. How about cancelling the holidays?! That is what my father always joked to do.
October 27th, 2005 at 11:26 am
I’m glad I’m not the only one freaking out about the holidays (although for slightly different reasons). Could you celebrate with one of the families on a slightly different day? We’ve done that in the past.
October 27th, 2005 at 11:50 am
I too feel your pain. My (divorced) parents live about an hour apart and close to the rest of the family (sister, uncles/aunts/cousins, grandparents). However, they are about a 5 hr drive from Daniel’s parents.
And we have the interfaith thing. That makes Christmas easy - we go to my family - and spend Thanksgiving with his family. But that doesn’t mean people are happy. My family complains that they never see me on Thanksgiving. His family complains that we can’t spend Rosh HaShanah, Kol Nidre, AND Yom Kippur with them (we can’t afford to fly twice nor can we afford to take the time between the holidays off). Sigh.
I 2d (or 3d or 4th) what others have said: you are a family. Gently remind your parents/in-laws of this fact. Setting boundaries is difficult but will get easier. We’ve only been married since April but, not wanting to separated for the holidays, have wrangled some sort of solution for the past 4 years. Daniel and I discussed every year, made a plan and announced the plan as a fait accompli to our respective families. We tried to be sympathetic to complaints/gripes/whines (can’t say an ample supply of red wine wasn’t helpful with that) but stood firm.
Best of luck in your decision.
October 27th, 2005 at 12:02 pm
Think of the cute baby knits!!
October 27th, 2005 at 12:31 pm
I know you guys will work something out. I just know it…
October 27th, 2005 at 3:27 pm
I lost my mom this year and if it were up to me I’d just skip the holidays, but I have a 9 year old who is already anxious. Life goes on whether we like it or not.
October 27th, 2005 at 3:56 pm
Yeesh, you have so many comments on this, I didn’t read them all…so if someone said this already…sorry…do you have to celebrate the holiday on the exact day with your family? Seeing as how you’ve got the smaller gang, maybe ya’ll could celebrate on Christmas Eve instead. Good luck with whatever you do and take planty off time off to rest before getting back to school.
October 27th, 2005 at 9:30 pm
Tough situation to be in. Whatever you guys decide to do, I hope it all works out for you.
October 28th, 2005 at 10:09 am
Argh. Christmas is dreadful for dealing with family. Andrew and I went to see my family last year. My dad remarried after my mom died and while I love my SM, it’s hard to spend the holidays at home with them. We usually just stay here with Andrew’s family and blame it on Andrew’s work or mine.
I keep hoping my dad and SM will come here for Christmas but my step-sister and her hubby live next door to them and with their two little girls. Those rotten little grandkids are cuter than me! Darn it!
Pregnancy does seem the only way to entice them to come here for the holidays!
October 28th, 2005 at 10:44 am
in the same boat here, too. boyfriend and i have always spent the holidays apart (my folks are in pittsburgh, his are in boston), but i know this can’t last forever. it will be hard, but i’m sure you families will be more understanding than you think. you are MARRIED now!
October 28th, 2005 at 11:26 pm
Would you believe that my mom and I have already fought about this EXACT issue??? AND I DON’T EVEN HAVE A BOYFRIEND! (let alone a husband!)
When the time comes though, I don’t know if I can give up Christmas with my fam. Maybe I can do the Thanksgiving with his, Xmas with mine thing people are suggesting… OR MARRY A NON-CHRISTIAN!WOO!
anyway, families can make it sooo hard, but I’m glad you guys are sticking together this season. You’ll work it out…
October 29th, 2005 at 12:44 am
Flip a coin… Heads you spend Thanksgiving with his family and Cmas with yours. And vise versa for tails. Then just stick with the rotation until you have kids of your own.
I guess in some ways I am ‘lucky’ in that regard, hubby is a firefighter on rotating shifts so at least every other year he is working the holidays. (
) But it does make holiday decisions that much easier. My family is in town and his mom 5 hours away by car. Luckily she understands. This year however she will be joining US 
But really, if both parents are a plane ride away do the flipping coin thing and set the pattern in motion. No hard feelings that way and your families know you are only a major holiday away..
October 29th, 2005 at 3:39 am
I am sooo not looking forward to the day when these kinds of decisions have to be made….
October 29th, 2005 at 11:11 am
oh, honey, yes this is the trouble for newly married folks. I’ll pass on something we learned in premarital counseling - you are allowed to make whatever decision you want. You two are your OWN family now (WOOHOO!) and whatever decision you make is good and should be respected. I understand about being completely torn, though. But how great is it that you finally get to spend the holidays together? I’m so excited for you.
November 1st, 2005 at 8:24 pm
My husband was always the one imposed upon when it came to holiday travel. He was expected to drive to “Mom’s house” for both Thanksgiving and Christmas, a trip that never took less than six hours in any direction. He finally had his fill of it on year and declared that members from either side of the family were more than welcome to come and visit us for a change. So, now, we take every other year off (one year we travel, the next year we don’t). A traveling year is usually spent with his family for Thanksgiving, my family for Christmas, and our friends every single New Year