I have a question…
So I have been pondering something for a little while, since we got engaged:
What the heck am I going to do about my name once Casey and I are married?
On the one hand, my heart does a little happy dance when I think about Casey and I sharing the same name. We will be a family- a real true family! Us two little people! (not that we wouldn’t without having the same name, of course) Also, when we have kids (someday!), I would like us to all have the same name.
If Casey’s name was terrible, that would make the decision easy to make. Unfortunately, it is a nice name and even sounds good with Jessica.
Then I think about losing my name and it makes me sad. It is one of my connections with my family. It is a part of my identity.
So maybe I will compromise and combine our two names. They do sound very nice together, if a little long to say. On the other hand, do I want to be one of those hyphenated name women? It seems to add unnecessary confusion. (or maybe not?)
So, my question to you guys:
If you are married, what did you decide to do about the whole name thing? If you aren’t married (but are planning to someday), what do you think you will do?
October 14th, 2004 at 7:07 pm
I had the same exact problem. I loved Jeff’s last name, but I wasn’t quite ready to give mine up. So, I now have two last names. No hyphen. Sure, my legal name is now horribly long and it would probably make Cher or Madonna cry, but that’s okay with me!
October 14th, 2004 at 7:55 pm
As you can see from my e-mail address, I use my husband Jeff’s last name. But, it was really important to me that I keep my maiden name there somewhere, so “officially” my maiden name is now my second middle name. Hypenating wasn’t an option because both names are kind of long and would sound silly. Plus, his name is the kind of name no one asks how to spell, which is a bonus. I use my maiden initial in my monogram or when I have to initial paperwork….
October 14th, 2004 at 8:33 pm
If I get married, i will probably drop my maiden name altogether and take my husbands. I have no desire to hold onto my name…i have never liked it
October 14th, 2004 at 9:07 pm
When one of my roommates from university got married, she handled things a bit differently. After the rehearsal dinner, there was a softball game– Bride’s family & friends vs. groom’s family & friends. Whichever team won was the ‘winning name’.
So the bride’s team won, and the groom took HER last name.
Rob has said about a million times that he wouldn’t mind taking my last name. I haven’t decided yet if I would take his flat out, or hyphenate– it’s very difficult to change names with work contracts and all that stuff. Ah well.
October 14th, 2004 at 9:11 pm
hey there frecklegirl, as you know I also just got engaged and my first reaction was to keep my name. That being said I am half Chinese so keeping my last name means all the more to me. Also since I am living overseas at the moment (Japan) the last thing I want to do is go through all that terrible paperwork to change my name on official documents. However if we have kids they would of course take Darin’s last name. My sister though listed our last name as one of her children’s middle names. She has never *officially* changed her name and uses her husband’s last name at the kindergarten etc, but on official documents she still uses the name she was born with. If you are not ready straightaway don’t change it – you can always do it later down the track. Personally I don’t like hyphenated names especially for kids, but that’s just my personal preference.
Isn’t getting married exciting??!! It’s all really starting to sink in now!
October 14th, 2004 at 9:16 pm
Hot topic in our household! Changing my last name is not a compromise I’m willing to make, although my boyfriend has said that he’d be insulted if I don’t take his. He thinks that by my taking his name he’ll regain some of the tradition that he never had as a child. I think he, an otherwise near perfect and very liberal guy, is being absurdly conservative. He’s not even attached to his last name, as it’s the name given to him by an evil stepparent with whom he no longer has contact. I have a neat last name that’s meaningful to me. My sister and I are the last in our family line, so I’d like to give my kids my name too – but maybe that’s just being selfish.
October 14th, 2004 at 9:19 pm
Hi!
Although I enjoy going by Lori Z, I believe that when I get married, I will legally take my future husband’s last name, while professionally I will keep on using my Z last name (as that’s what I’m known as). Apart from my immediate family, I don’t have any other relatives by the same last name!
good luck with it!
October 14th, 2004 at 9:27 pm
I’ve thought about the same thing. My last name is very much a part of who I am, and I can’t see me without it. But, i also would love to take my boyfriend’s last name if we got married.
He’s told me that he’d like me to hypenate…and I figure we’re the only two people who’s opinions should matter, right?
Although I know that sometimes people can look at those with hypenated names as a bit pretentious…but, if they got to know me they’d realize that wasn’t true.
Bottome line : make yourself happy, girl. If you love the sound of the names combined, go for it. It’s obvious that Casey will support any decision you make, and it will make you feel connected to both ‘parts’ of your family.
October 14th, 2004 at 10:12 pm
I had to think for a while about this one too…I’m getting married in November, and I decided to take my fiance’s name. While I do love my name (it has a nice ring to it, alliteration and everything!) it’s sort of what you were saying in your post: it’s exciting, like our little family coming together.
And that makes me happy. I’m probably too cheesy for words. It will, however, be a big change not to hear my last name at work– All of my students call me by my last name (obviously)–so we’ll see how that goes!
Best of luck whatever you decide.
October 14th, 2004 at 10:16 pm
I too was reluctant to ‘give up’ my last name. I married at 26 and it just didn’t seem right to give up a name I had had so long. So I kept mine and added his
When I do my signature I use my first initial and the two last names, keeps it a bit shorter..
October 14th, 2004 at 10:36 pm
I am a bit on the fence too! I think I’m going to make my last name into my middle name and take my fiancee’s last name as my own. It’s a tough decision because there are so many Jens in the world that people have called me by my last name for a long time. Our names are way too long to hyphenate. I’d have a 17 letter last name including the hyphen. That’s long – and it’d be four syllables long – which seems long to me. But if I keep my maiden name as my middle name, I can still use both if I want. Isn’t that what Hillary did?
October 14th, 2004 at 11:11 pm
I’m just glad that you are really thinking this name thing out on the front end. I didn’t think it would be a big deal. After I married my hubby, I dropped my maiden name and used his. Then, after a year and a half of whining about losing my name, I changed my middle name to my maiden name. I really felt like part of me had vanished without my maiden name. I don’t use a hyphen because all my names are terribly long. Shannon Three-Syllables Three-Syllables. It’s long, but I’m happy.
October 14th, 2004 at 11:24 pm
I’ve never really considered keeping my maiden name for when that time comes- the only reason I wouldn’t change it if my husband’s last name was really awful. Thankfully, The Boyfriend’s last name is quite nice, and I will be more than happy to be called by his last name. But I will probably use my maiden name as my middle name, like for the initial.
A funny side note – when we have clients with odd last names, I like to try out my name with it. It always makes me laugh.
October 14th, 2004 at 11:39 pm
I really would like to keep my last name, especially since there’s not too many that will continue to carry it despite my grandfather and grandmother having 10 children and a gazillion grandchildren. I thought about hyphenating it, but it seems pretty silly (mostly because his last name is Player. Yes, that’s right. Player.) and I don’t want to make it my middle name because there’s a whole story to my middle name. I imagine I will just take his but use my last name at work still or something like that. He likes his last name, he would never take mine. And I don’t want two different last names.
October 15th, 2004 at 9:39 am
Argh! I don’t know either. I was married once before, and took my ex’s name…but when I got divorced and got “my” name back, it just seemed SOOOO right. It was me. Me, me, me. My name. My identity. Now, though, facing a new relationship and an upcoming wedding, what to do! I like the idea of maybe switching my last name to his, but using mine as a middle name, but geez! That would be long! It’s hard. I had a friend, though, who took her husband’s last name as HER middle name, and he took her last name as HIS middle name. Maybe that would work? Good luck!
October 15th, 2004 at 9:42 am
my boy and i have actually already talked about this… he has no connection to his last name side of the family (dad). so for him there is nothing to carry on family wise…. but i think that his whole name works so well and that kids names would be easy as heck to pair up with the last name. he thought of us coming up with a whole new name. but how the heck do you decide on that? then he thought of taking my name. but i am not real hip on keeping my name. and this is just after 7 months of dating and no actual engagement, imagine if we do actually get engaged what problems will arise….
my cousin’s wife wanted him to take her name. but he couldnt give his last name up because it means a lot to him – his real dad left when he was just a baby, and when his mom married his step dad, his step dad right away adopted my cousin and really gave him a wonderful life full of love. so he is hanging on to that name with all he can… but his wife kept her name and for some reason their 2 kids have her last name. which kinda makes me sad that my cousin isnt passing on his cherished last name.
just a babble comment
October 15th, 2004 at 9:54 am
I’m not married. I like my name. But I think I would take my husband’s name, although I might still use my own professionally. My mother dropped her middle name and made her maiden name her middle name when she got married. My problem is that my mother’s maiden name IS my middle name, and I’m the last one with it, so that one’s harder to let go. Does that make any sense? Probably not.
October 15th, 2004 at 10:24 am
Hi, I’m a new-ish-ish reader.
I’m 29, and just got married in August. I took my husband’s name.
I am actually previously divorced, I got married quite young, just out of college, and it was not a good situation for either of us. At that time I could not IMAGINE giving up my name/identity. I’m not sure what has changed since then, or if it has to do with the comfort level in the relationship as well?
At any rate, I did change my name in August. I actually have to go and get a new license today, BLECHHHH! However, my husband’s name means a lot to me. I moved to his home town about two years ago, and I have become great friends with his family, they truly are my family now. They go back for generations in this small town, and it feels kind of an honor to be a part of the family, so that felt all the more reason for me to take the name. Plus, I feel we are this new unit, partnership and I like having one name. My first and middle names meant just as much to me as my former last name, and I’ll always have those.
Anywhoo, I’m writing a book, sorry. Try both on, so to speak and see what feels right. Don’t be afraid of losing identity, from all I’ve read of you, it seems no one would ever take that away!
October 15th, 2004 at 10:46 am
Hey you,
I took my husband’s name because I thought it was a great one. And I planned on legally changing my middle name to my maiden name because I am an only child and didn’t want the name to go away. But when I went to get my SSN card and Drivers license changed, I forgot. So most of the time, I just use Carrie Suzanne Valentine, but sometimes (especially when talking to people back home) I use Carrie Hayes Valentine (because most of them don’t know me by my married name).
I WISH that I had remembered to legally change it though.
October 15th, 2004 at 11:02 am
Personally, though I respect other people’s different preferences, if I got married there is no way I would change my name unless my spouse was changing theirs too. That includes hyphenating, unless we BOTH hyphenate. I would consider choosing an entirely different name, or using an older family name belonging to one of us (I know of a couple that both adopted the bride’s grandmother’s name, sort of simulating what would have happened in a matrilineal culture), or doing a dual hyphenation thing–anything, as long as it was equal. But my tendency would be to just keep my name and let my spouse keep his. Especially if I were to marry my current partner, since he’s a musician and name-recognition is an important factor for him, and if he’s not changing I’m not either.
Of course, the tricky part there is what to call kids if you have them. Sometimes I think I might like to give my kids a special last name that doesn’t belong to my spouse or me. It would be a hassle sometimes not having the same last name, but that would happen anyway if they got my spouse’s and I kept mine.
On the other hand, I definitely see what you mean about the symbolism of having the same name showing that you are part of a family. I do think that sort of symbolism matters. The thing is, if names matter when it comes to showing you’re a family, shouldn’t they matter when it comes to showing that you are as valuable a member of this family as your partner? I mean, I think that if his name is privileged over yours, that symbolic act is just as loaded as the act of choosing to have the same name. You just have to figure out what all this means for you personally, because that’s what really matters. It’s not going to be easy, but you seem to be considering all the angles thoroughly, so I think once you make a decision you’ll be happy with it.
October 15th, 2004 at 11:57 am
My mom just changed her name so that her maiden name became her middle name (she hated her middle name anyway, so hey! no harm no foul).
As for me, well, I’m keeping mine. I’ve got reasons apart from standard feminist leanings though — I’ve been trying to build a brand around the name and it wouldn’t do me any market favors to switch.
On the other hand, your maiden name is just your father’s name anyway, so the patriarchy wins regardless of whether you keep it or switch it
wee!
October 15th, 2004 at 12:13 pm
Call me old-fashioned and traditional, but I think it is part of “leaving and cleaving” to take your husband’s name. I am 26 and have been married for two years now. At first I was sad to let go of my name, but I don’t even think about it anymore. I am proud to have his name. As for using my maiden name as my middle name, I would never have done that. My parents specifically gave me my middle name and I would hate to give it up…it’s a part of who I am. Good luck with everything.
October 15th, 2004 at 1:15 pm
I say you go for the approach Jenn uses (JLF that is)…and just be fluid about when you use what.
As someone who grew up in a family where my mom had her own name and we had my dad’s I can tell you it didn’t make us feel any less a family to have different names. All my friends when I was a kid (because they were all very polite girls) insisted on calling my mom Mrs. L., but she didn’t mind – just figured it was part of the deal. My sister’s kids names are hyphenated and I must say it makes for long names and lots of confusion when it comes to alphabetizing, roll call, etc.
I think Miss B and I will just stick with our own but it is fun to think about a whole new name…like…fitsandloody???
October 15th, 2004 at 1:16 pm
I loved the softball game idea above…
Not yet married but I am definitely keeping my last name because I figure why is his better to have than mine? I’ve had the name for 34 years and it’s worked ok. And even though I think he prefers I take his, as a compromise I was going to use his last name as a new middle name because I’ve always *hated* my middle name “Lynn”. Even more so when your mother hollers at you “Jennifer Lynn!”
Eventually,
Jenn Downer Green
October 15th, 2004 at 2:07 pm
I did just as Sara did and kept my maiden name as my second middle name. We’re all girls in my family, so it made me really sad to give up my maiden name. So it’s still with me and comes out to play whenever it feels like it.
=)
October 15th, 2004 at 2:09 pm
At the time, I thought I wanted herself to take my last name, but she had the same thoughts you had. Unfortunately, herself’s maiden name has 13 letters, so hyphenating the two would be a bit pretentious/ridiculous. So she split the middle and neither of us thinks it was a good choice. She uses her maiden name as her middle name and usually signs everything with the full three-name monty. In retrospect, especially because both of her parents died shortly after we were married, I would prefer she had not changed her name. Too much information? thought so.
October 15th, 2004 at 2:58 pm
Oopsie I accidently deleted my first post. Darn small computer screen. Anyway that is a very personal choice. It was a difficult, sad and happy time for me when deciding if I would take my husband’s last name. I ultimetly decided yes because we planned on having kids and I wanted all of us to share the same last name. Anyway I had my last name be my middle initial since I do not have a middle name. Good luck to you!
October 15th, 2004 at 3:01 pm
My maiden name that is. TGIF it’s Friday I am all sorts of confused:)
October 15th, 2004 at 6:53 pm
I plan on taking my future husband’s last name, ‘cuz mine is one of those that I have to spell every time and people still screw it up.
One idea: ‘giving up’ your maiden name doesn’t mean that it has to be gone forever. I have actually dated two boys whose middle name is their mom’s maiden name… kind of a cool way to pass it on.
October 16th, 2004 at 8:43 am
In my family it’s always been the norm for the woman to take her husband’s last name. But my mother decided to legally change her middle name to her maiden name. Also my brother and his wife gave their son the mother’s maiden name, just so it would be carried on. It’s a good way to make sure the name stays.
October 17th, 2004 at 10:05 am
hey there – I had a big issue with changing my last name when I got hitched: My parents had moved to my small hometown before I was born and so we were the only people with that last name. I was very proud of that in a small town filled with people who were connected or for some, distantly related.
When I got married, I didn’t want to lose the name that had set me apart. So I chose to go with both last names, no hyphen. This, however, can be a pain in the arse b/c people don’t always understand it. The most common misunderstanding is that b/c my maiden name is Varner, they think it’s some sort of Dutch thing – and they change it to Van Der Watt – yes, I’m the Canadian of Dutch, German, Scottish and English descent. Sigh – I don’t know if having a hyphen would make a difference.
It’s your only chance to choose your name – and you have to live with that choice and all the petty annoyances that might surround it – like am I filed under the V or the W at the doctor’s office? I don’t regret my choice, and for the most part go by both names professionally (my father and my aunt are in the same biz as me, so it comes in handy for me as it helps make connections in the small world of Atlantic Canada)…
It seems funny but it’s not as important right now as it once was. Maybe when I have kids it’ll be more important again.
August 26th, 2005 at 7:40 pm
Hey…Does anyone know if it is okay for me to use my boyfriend’s last name here and there when I feel like it? He has custody of his kids, me of mine and I sometimes use his last name since my legal name doesn’t match my kids’ name anyway. His ex is having a fit saying that I’m trying to be her kids mom, but I just enjoying using his name even though we aren’t married yet. I use it for things that aren’t legally requiring a legal name anyway. Like…signing up for a room mom party, being the my daughter nad his daughter’s coach, signing up our girls for extra curriculars and such. I sometimes get some mail with to me with his last name. Is it really such a big deal as long as it’s not anything important..credit cards, driver license,etc. The only one complaining seems to be his ex wife. My boyfriend’s mom gave us his name when we had placecards at their anniversary party. I call his mom and dad mom and dad too. I know this is weird but does anyone know any “rules” or “laws” on this. Can I continue to call myself what I want too?